Looking for some hilarious quotes to get you in the holiday spirit? Check out these top 99 funny quotes from Christmas Vacation:
1. “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” – Clark Griswold
2. “We’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye!” – Clark Griswold
3. “Why is the carpet all wet, Todd?” – Margo
4. “Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where’s the Tylenol?” – Clark Griswold
5. “Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full.” – Cousin Eddie
6. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” – Clark Griswold
7. “That thing had nine lives, she just spent them all.” – Clark Griswold
8. “You’re an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.” – Clark Griswold
9. “I don’t know what to say except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.” – Ellen Griswold
10. “I don’t want to spend the holidays dead!” – Clark Griswold
11. “I don’t know what happened, I just woke up and she was gone.” – Clark Griswold
12. “Looks like I’m gonna be a little late.” – Clark Griswold
13. “We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it, are we?” – Ellen Griswold
14. “I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.” – Ellen Griswold
15. “We’re gonna have to stay up all night and wrap these.” – Clark Griswold
16. “This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.” – Clark Griswold
17. “And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!” – Clark Griswold
18. “We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Danny Kaye tap-danced with Bing Crosby.” – Clark Griswold
19. “You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.” – Clark Griswold
20. “Can I show you something? Just something I’m proud of.” – Clark Griswold
21. “I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.” – Ellen Griswold
22. “I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin… Er, a tree. Problem solved.” – Clark Griswold
23. “And why is the carpet all wet, Todd? I don’t know, Margo.” – Todd and Margo
24. “We’re at the threshold of Hell.” – Clark Griswold
25. “I don’t know what to say except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.” – Ellen Griswold
26. “Hey, Gris, if you’re not doing anything constructive, run into the living room, get my stogie.” – Uncle Lewis
27. “I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.” – Clark Griswold
28. “It’s a funny, squeaky sound.” – Clark Griswold
29. “My cousin-in-law whose heart is bigger than his brain.” – Clark Griswold
30. “I don’t know what the hell we’re gonna do with it, but, uh, by God, we’re gonna have fun with it.” – Clark Griswold
31. “Is Rusty still in the Navy?” – Clark Griswold
32. “That’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.” – Cousin Eddie
33. “I can’t believe you’re standing here in my living room, Eddie.” – Clark Griswold
34. “We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it, are we?” – Ellen Griswold
35. “I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.” – Ellen Griswold
36. “I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin… Er, a tree. Problem solved.” – Clark Griswold
37. “I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.” – Ellen Griswold
38. “And why is the carpet all wet, Todd? I don’t know, Margo.” – Todd and Margo
39. “We’re at the threshold of Hell.” – Clark Griswold
40. “I don’t know what to say except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.” – Ellen Griswold
41. “Hey, Gris, if you’re not doing anything constructive, run into the living room, get my stogie.” – Uncle Lewis
42. “I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.” – Clark Griswold
43. “It’s a funny, squeaky sound.” – Clark Griswold
44. “My cousin-in-law whose heart is bigger than his brain.” – Clark Griswold
45. “I don’t know what the hell we’re gonna do with it, but, uh, by God, we’re gonna have fun with it.” – Clark Griswold
46. “Is Rusty still in the Navy?” – Clark Griswold
47. “That’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.” – Cousin Eddie
48. “I can’t believe you’re standing here in my living room, Eddie.” – Clark Griswold
49. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” – Clark Griswold
50. “Looks like I’m gonna be a little late.” – Clark Griswold
51. “We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it, are we?” – Ellen Griswold
52. “I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.” – Ellen Griswold
53. “I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin… Er, a tree. Problem solved.” – Clark Griswold
54. “And why is the carpet all wet, Todd? I don’t know, Margo.” – Todd and Margo
55. “We’re at the threshold of Hell.” – Clark Griswold
56. “I don’t know what to say except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.” – Ellen Griswold
57. “Hey, Gris, if you’re not doing anything constructive, run into the living room, get my stogie.” – Uncle Lewis
58. “I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.” – Clark Griswold
59. “It’s a funny, squeaky sound.” – Clark Griswold
60. “My cousin-in-law whose heart is bigger than his brain.” – Clark Griswold
61. “I don’t know what the hell we’re gonna do with it, but, uh, by God, we’re gonna have fun with it.” – Clark Griswold
62. “Is Rusty still in the Navy?” – Clark Griswold
63. “That’s the gift that keeps on giving the
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